Historical Highlights: John Henry Patterson

Today I'm going to tell the story of John Henry Patterson, the Israeli Army's unlikely Gentile father.

John Patterson was born in Forgney, Ireland, on November 10, 1867. He was raised by a Protestant father and a Catholic mother, and became a devout Protestant, which would later fuel his pro-Jewish sympathies. He joined the British army in 1884, and was sent to India, where he became an experienced tiger hunter, a skill which would come in handy later.

In 1898 he was sent to Africa to supervise the construction of a railway along the Tsavo River in modern day Kenya. While in Africa, Patterson's workers were regularly attacked by lions, so Patterson set out to hunt the lions (known as the "Tsavo Man-Eaters") down. After several attempts, he finally killed them, and was hailed as a hero by the native population. A few years later, the British colonial governor of Kenya made him a game warden.

In 1909, he went on safari with the nobleman Audley Blyth and his wife Ethel. During the safari, Audley committed suicide, and although Patterson was not involved, he was accused of killing Blyth to have an affair with Ethel. These untrue rumors would haunt him and his military career for several years afterward.

He served bravely during the Boer War, but won his real spurs in the Middle Eastern Campaign of World War One, where he found himself commanding a Legion of Jewish Volunteers, despite being a Gentile himself. During this time, he grew to respect his Jewish soldiers and their Zionist cause, and was angered by the prejudice they faced from his superiors, so much so that he threatened to resign in order to force the high command to treat them fairly. He succeeded, but the generals held a grudge against Patterson, and he was never promoted. All the same, his Jewish Legion later became the foundation for the Israeli Army.

After World War One, Patterson continued his support for Zionism, and supported the creation of a new Jewish Brigade to fight the Nazis, although he was too old by then to command it himself. His final request before his death on June 18, 1947, was to be buried in Israel, and the Israeli government granted his request decades later in 2014.

If any man can be said to have lived the British Empire, it was John Henry Patterson.

Close Encounters of the Russian Kind

Ok, something kind of weird has happened to me today, but to really explain it I have to give some backstory.

On Monday, I was watching a movie about Stalin from 1992 (which was very interesting by the way, I recommend it if you're into Russian history) and saw some Russian neo-nazi (judging by his charming profile picture of a Nazi who looked like a serial killer, and his YouTube channel, which consisted mostly of racist music videos) conspiracy theorist in the comments claim that the Russian Communist Party was 85% Jewish, or some other such nonsense.I looked up the Soviet census, and wouldn't you know it, the Communist Party was only 5% Jewish. So he was only off by, you know, 80%, but hey, that's better than most Nazis can do.

So anyway, I told him this, and his charming response was to call me a communist, and a four letter word that I shant repeat here. I haven't heard from him since, so I assume he's realized he's lost the argument, and gone back to pulling the legs of spiders, or molesting goats, or whatever Russian neo-nazis do. How weird is it though, that I live in a day and age where a 19 year old from rural South Carolina can get into an argument with a kooky Russian fascist who he will hopefully most likely never meet in real life?

The moral of this story, of course, is never trust a Russian with a keyboard, because they will almost always get up to no good.

Squirreluminatti Confirmed

Ok, what I have to reveal today is gonna BLOW... YOUR... MINDS!!!

You see, I had the opportunity to visit Philadelphia a few days ago. In addition to getting to see Independence Hall and the Liberty Bell, I also had a close encounter with the Squirrel Kind.

What do I mean by that? Well, we were outside eating ice cream, when all of a sudden, we saw a squirrel. But this wasn't just any squirrel. This squirrel was out for blood. He glared us very intensely, almost like he was sizing us up. In the end nothing happened, but it made us all distinctly uncomfortable.

Why do I bring this all up? Because it's further evidence for something I've suspected for a long time.

You see, squirrels are planning to take over the world. I know, it may sound crazy, but hear me out. Squirrels have been gathering nuts for thousands of years at this point. Almost like their preparing for something... Like, for instance, oh, I don't know, TAKING OVER THE WORLD?!!! 

It's genius really. Squirrels may seem like some of the dumbest living things on God's green Earth, but it's all just an act to lure us into a false sense of security while they plot the downfall of the entire human race, and the founding of the Squirrel Reich.... Wait... What's that?!... Oh no, it's... IT'S!... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

This blog has officially been taken over by the Squirreluminatti. You didn't see anything.