The Quest for Joisey

Ok guys, I thought I should let you know that I'm actually going to be going on a mission trip to the far off, exotic land of New Jersey for the next few days, so there's a chance I might not have much time to update The Database for the next few days, though hopefully I'll be able to at least get a few posts in. Please pray, both for the mission trip, and to prevent me from running into the cast of Jersey Shore.

In the meantime, have a a picture of Donald Trump making a weird face!

P.S.: Also, just to let you guys know, I've actually started a YouTube channel, that I've affectionately dubbed That Darn Wesley, after everyone's favorite little twerp from Star Trek: The Next Generation!... That's right, I'm talking to you Worf...

The Wacky Adventures of Kim Jong Un and Friends!!!

Ok, so apparently North Korea, AKA South Korea's Evil (and stupid) Twin, has declared war on America. Why you may ask? Because we stopped giving their dictator, Kim Jong Un, his weekly allowance. Naturally, that really grinds his gears. After all, without money, how's he supposed to pay for all of those violent X Box games he stole from Wal-Mart? I mean sure, he could just use all the money he steals from other people works hard for, but why waste that money when he could use other people's? Nah, much easier to just get the money by declaring war on a global superpower. what could possibly go wrong, am I right?

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...No, I'm not. Assuming the USA actually takes North Korea's declaration of war seriously instead of just laughing in Kim Jong Un's fat, ugly face, the North Koreans are going to get destroyed like a toilet in Taco Bell. You see, North Korea is basically the global version of that annoying little twerp you all probably knew in school. You know, the snotty brat with stupid hair who looks like his favorite hobby is probably swearing at people in multiplayer Call of Duty matches? Yeah, that kid. He may like to mouth off at you, but if you actually call him out for it, the little insect will probably just pee his pants a little and scamper off to whine to his parents about how he was bullied in school...

 ...Sorry, what was I talking about?... Oh yeah, North Korea, the country that took one look at Hitler and Stalin and said "Pfft, you call that evil?". All that being said though, don't worry too much about them nuking us. If they tried to nuke Los Angeles, they'd probably hit Djibouti. Or hopefully, the nuke would just turn back and finally blow Kim Jon Un to the Bad Place, where he can meet his idol the Devil. And I for one, will laugh hysterically through it all.

P.S.: So, as you may have guessed, Star Trek Month is pretty much over now. Sorry I had to skip over a few things, but maybe I'll be able to talk about the other movies some other time.

J.J. Abrams Star Trek Films

I've decided to cover both J.J. Abrams Star Trek movies in one post because I want to rap up Star Trek Month quickly.

In the first Abrams Star Trek film, the original Enterprise crew is re imagined as a group of young Starfleet Academy cadets trying to stop an evil  Romulan from destroying Earth. Overall, I actually like this movie, despite the fact that there's a fair amount of hate for it amongst the Trekkie community.

In Star Trek: Into Darkness, Kirk goes after a terrorist who assassinated a Starfleet admiral. I like this movie too, although I don't care much for the ending. Basically (Spoiler Alert) the terrorist is Khan and Kirk sacrifices himself to defeats him, resulting in Spock shouting "KHAAAAAAAN!!!". Don't worry, Kirk gets revived at the end, but that doesn't change the fact that the the end of this movie is basically a rehash of the end of Wrath of Khan, only not as good.

Overall, I've got to say that I like the recast actors, and the special effects, but I honestly would have preferred more Next Generation films.

Star Trek VIII Movie Review

Ok folks, in case you're wondering why I've skipped from Star Trek VI to Star Trek VIII, I've got some bad news for you. I don't have Star Trek VII, Star Trek IX or Star Trek X on DVD or Netflix, so we are going to have to skip a few of the films unfortunately, so sorry about that. I really should have checked that before starting these reviews. Oh well. On the bright side, we've maTde it to my favorite Star Trek movie of all!

Before I talk about the plot of this movie, I'm gonna have to give some backstory. Back in the Star Trek: The Next Generation TV series, there was a two part episode where Picard got assimilated by the Borg. (For those who aren't familiar with Trek lore, the Borg are a hive mind race of cyborgs who seek to absorb other life forms.) Although he was rescued eventually, the incident clearly traumatized him, and by the time this movie takes place he seems to be suffering from shell shock. Notice how, like Star Trek II, this movie is basically a sequel to some of the TV episodes, and I think this is a great way of expanding on previously established stories.

Anyway, in this movie the Borg travel back in time to before humanity made first contact with the Vulcans, in an attempt to prevent the Federation from ever being formed, and Picard and his his crew have to stop them.

As I mentioned earlier this month, I prefer Picard over Kirk for a number of reasons, and this movie is a great example of one of the biggest ones: acting. Patrick Stewart is really top notch here. Can anyone really say they prefer the Price Line Negotiator over Hamlet with a straight face?

So yeah, this is by far my favorite Star Trek movie.

Star Trek VI Movie Review

Ok, here we are. The last of the Star Trek movies featuring the original cast, and thankfully, they went out with a bang.

In this movie, Kirk and his crew attend treaty negotiations with the Klingons to finally end the cold war between the United Federation of Planets and the Klingon Empire, and have to stop a plot to assassinate the Federation and Klingon leaders.

This movie came out in 1991, so as you probably guessed, this movie was based on the real life Cold War between the United States and the Soviet Union, which had only recently ended at the time of the movies release, and I'd say this movie makes for pretty good political/historical commentary. Even today, I think this movie still has a good pro-peace message.

Over all, this movie has good acting, good writing, and a good story. I give this one an A.

Star Trek V Movie Review

If I had to pick a phrase to describe this movie, I think it would be "William Shatner's Mid-Life Crisis: The Movie!!!" because it really does come across as Mr. Shatner trying to boost his own ego at the expense of the rest of the cast, which is more than a little off putting.

This movie is about Shatner... I mean Kirk, trying to stop a crazy cult leader from meeting God. (Surprisingly, Mr. Shatner chose not to play the role of God himself.)

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... Yeah, it's just as stupid as it sounds.

Bottom line, the thing to take away from this movie is that William Shatner should NOT have power.

Star Trek IV Movie Review

Ok, now we're back on the good side of the Star Trek movies.

In this movie a weird alien probe shows up over Earth and demands to speak to the blue whales... Just go with it... Who apparently went extinct 100 years ago in the Star Trek Universe, so Kirk and crew go back in time to the 1980s to save the whales!!!....

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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!... Ok, I'm sorry, it's just... That plot is just so hilariously stupid, I love it! That being said, it's also pretty simple, and after the overly complex mess that was Star Trek III, it really is a breath of fresh air.

This movie is also definitely more comedy oriented than most of the other Star Trek movies, which was a fun and interesting direction to take the franchise in.

Tomorrow, we'll be tackling one of the worst Star Trek Movies ever though...

Star Trek III: The Search For Spock Movie Review

Ok, I normally try to avoid spoilers in these reviews, but to explain the plot of this movie I kind of have to spoil the end of Star Trek II. So, to put a long story short, Spock dies at the end of Star Trek II, and this movie, as it's name implies, is about searching for Spock, who apparently could potentially be revived because apparently Spock's soul has possessed Dr. McCoy. Oh, and there's a planet that can revive people. Oh, and the Klingons are after them.

As you can probably tell, this movie has a really complex plot. In fact, I would say that if Star Trek I had too little plot, and Star Trek II had just the right plot, this movie has too much plot. It's just too complicated, and it's also kind of boring, so I honestly had kind of a hard time following it. It's still miles better than Star Trek I, (because at least stuff is happening) but it's no where near as good as Star Trek II.

Star Trek III: The Search For Spock Movie Review

Ok, I normally try to avoid spoilers in these reviews, but to explain the plot of this movie I kind of have to spoil the end of Star Trek II. So, to put a long story short, Spock dies at the end of Star Trek II, and this movie, as it's name implies, is about searching for Spock, who apparently could potentially be revived because apparently Spock's soul has possessed Dr. McCoy. Oh, and there's a planet that can revive people. Oh, and the Klingons are after them.

As you can probably tell, this movie has a really complex plot. In fact, I would say that if Star Trek I had too little plot, and Star Trek II had just the right plot, this movie has too much plot. It's just too complicated, and it's also kind of boring, so I honestly had kind of a hard time following it. It's still miles better than Star Trek I, (because at least stuff is happening) but it's no where near as good as Star Trek II.

Historical Highlights: Battle of the Boyne

Every year, on July 12, proud people parade triumphantly through the streets of Belfast, Northern Ireland. But who are these people and what are they celebrating? To answer that question, we have to go back over 400 years ago, to the late 1600s.

In 1685, James II, a Catholic, became King of England, and began trying to impose Catholicism and absolute monarchy on  the traditionally Protestant and constitutional English nation. This naturally provoked a great deal of hostility towards the King among both Parliament and the common people, and it wasn't long before they began to plot against him. This plot finally came to fruition in 1688 when William III, Prince of Orange, King of the Netherlands, and next in line to the English throne, landed in the English port of Brixham, provoking a revolution that forced James to flee to Ireland. William was crowned as England's new King, and he set about restoring England's Protestant, constitutional order. All seemed to be well now.

But it wasn't, not yet. Back in Ireland, James was rousing the Catholics of southern Ireland to his cause in an attempt to retake Britain. However, the Protestants of Northern Ireland (also known as Ulster) refused to accept his rule. So, in 1689, James set out to conquer Ulster, as a stepping stone to reconquering Britain. But the Ulster Protestants proved to be better fighters than James had expected. From April 18 to July 28 his forces besieged the town of Derry, but the people of Derry refused to give up, and as a result "No Surrender" became a battle cry still used in Ulster today. For over three months the Catholic cannons banged away at Derry, and disease spread, but still the Protestants stood firm. Finally, on April 28, the Royal Navy blasted through the Catholic lines, and the battle was won.

After William arrived in Ulster, the Protestants went on the offensive and marched south. When the Protestant forces tried to cross the Boyne River near Dublin on 11 July, 1690, the Catholics tried to oppose them. They nearly drove the Protestants back across the river, but the Protestant cavalry managed to regroup and counterattack, forcing the Catholics to retreat. This was a major victory for William. Although the Catholics weren't completely defeated until 1691, the Battle of the Boyne was the end of their chances of victory.

Although the battle actually happened on July 11, it came to be celebrated by Irish protestants on July 12 thanks to calendar confusions, and is still celebrated that way today. For Protestants, the Boyne is a symbol of their determination to keep the true Christian faith in defiance of Papal authority. For Catholics, it is a symbol of humiliating defeat that still fuels resentment today. The Irish Catholics would continue to try to subvert the Protestants (notably in the Easter rebellion of 1916, the Irish Republican Army's support for Hitler, a nominal Catholic by the way, during World War II, and the Troubles of 1969 to 1998) but thankfully for true Christians like myself they have always failed.

Honestly the fact that the Catholic Church likes to posture about being the one true Christian church despite having mostly abandoned true Christian doctrine, and that the Pope is hailed by many as Christianity's leader despite the Papacy's frequent abuse of power over several centuries enrages me, and I suspect that it enrages God as well. I look forward to the day when the true church will replace the false one once and for all. Happy Orange Day!

Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan Movie Review

Ok, today we're going from the worst Star Trek move to one of the best.

This film was sort of a sequel to Space Seed, probably the best episode of Star Trek: The Original Series. Without spoiling too much about that episode (because I plan to talk about it a bit more later this month) that episode had Kirk meeting a war criminal named Khan whom he defeated by marooning him on a desert planet. And now, about 20 or so years later in universe, Khan is back and wants revenge on Kirk.

Like the first film, the plot here is pretty simple. Unlike the first film though, it's also interesting enough to carry an entire movie without having to pad out the run time with long and pointless scenes showing off their crummy special effects.

Over all, I think this movie deserves it's reputation as one of the best Star Trek movies, and I strongly recommend it.

Happy Birthday America!

I wanted to take our nation's birthday as a chance to talk about what America means to me. (Cliche, I know.)

To me, America can be summed up in that wonderful phrase in our declaration of independence: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal." You hear that? That's the sound of all the absolute monarchs of the old order of Europe shaking in their boots. It may well be self evident to us today, but in 1776 the idea of God given equality truly was radical revolutionary talk. Instead of the then traditional idea of the "divine right of kings", where God bestows special priveleges on a chosen few, everyone in the new society would have equal rights. To all those edgy teens out there today who become communists, anarchists, neo-nazis, or, worst of all, jihadists, because they think there's something "cool" or "glamorous" about being a radical, they need look no further than their own country.

But even more important (and often overlooked) is that word "created". Liberals may not like it, but the use of that word implies that this equality is given to us not by anything good about ourselves, but by God Himself. It is he that gives us any value we have, and this is the fundamental belief of American democracy. It's also what gives Americans our sense of right and wrong. Americans are loath to kill in the name of politics as Communists, Fascists, Anarchists, and Jihadists so readily do, because we believe that all human life is given value by a God who will judge people for their actions.

Sure, America hasn't always lived up to all of those ideals, but we've overcome most of those problems, and that's what being an American means to me.

Kirk or Picard?

As the great man Al Jancovic once said "Only question I ever thought was hard, do I like Kirk or do I like Picard?" I however, do not find that question hard. I deeply, profoundly prefer Picard. Why? Because, frankly, I think Picard is a better captain and a more interesting character over all.

Why do I think Picard is a better captain? Because he's much less reckless and more cautious. Kirk would pretty much break the rules whenever he wanted, and while Picard was sometimes known to bend the rules in order to do what was right, he was usually a lot more reasonable about it. Basically,if I were in Starfleet, I think I'd be a lot more likely to survive on Picard's Enterprise.

So yeah, Picard wins for me.

Star Trek: The Motion Picture Review

Hey y'all, and welcome to the first review of Star Trek Month! Today we're gonna get the worst Star Trek film out of the way first: Star Trek: The Motion Picture. This movie sure is... Something... Actually, you know what, no, this movie isn't something. It's literally nothing. There is nothing of substance in this movie. This movie is literally so boring that me and my siblings spent most of it talking about Scooby Doo for some reason.

The "plot" of this "movie" (and I'm using both terms VERY loosely) is that there's some weird space anomaly (I believe "thingie" is the scientific term) approaching Earth, and the Enterprise is sent to investigate. Yup, the plot is weak with this one. Oh, there are some subplots about getting the old crew back together, Spock searching for logic, Kirk having a rivalry with the new captain, even a love story between the new captain and some bald chick, but none of it seems to go much of anywhere.

But the plot isn't the biggest problem with this movie. That would be the special effects. They're really not that impressive, even for 1979 when this movie was made, and what's worse, the filmmakers feel the need to show them off with long sequences where we see the effects, with basically NOTHING of substance happening, not even dialogue most of the time. I feel like they were trying to make this movie kind of 2001: A Space Odyssey, you know, a movie without much in the way of story or dialogue, but that makes up for it with really impressive visuals. The problem is that, like I said, this movie just doesn't have impressive enough visuals for that.

Basically, the only good thing about this movie was that it relaunched (Get it?) the Star Trek franchise after a 10 year hiatus. Oh, and also the music was so good that it was later used as the theme song for Star Trek: The Next Generation, my personal favorite Star Trek series ever. But other than that, this movie was a huge waste of time, and I recommend giving it a miss.

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... Captain Kirk: SPOOOOOCCCCKKKKK!

To Boldly Go Where No Month Has Gone Before

Hello ladies, gentlemen, and assorted aliens and androids! I just wanted to let y'all know that, in honor of Star Trek's 50th Anniversary being this month, (and the fact that the new Star Trek film will also be coming out this month) I've decided that July will be Star Trek Month here at the Database! I'll be reviewing all of the Star Trek films, culminating in a review of the new film towards the end of the month, and I'll also probably doing a lot other Star Trek themed posts too. Set phasers to geek out!