Historical Highlights: Lajos Kossuth

Today we've got a pretty interesting character on our hands today, and I'm not just talking about his name.

Lajos Kossuth was born on September 19, 1802 in Monok, Hungary to a devout Lutheran noble family. He was popular within the community, and in 1825 he was appointed to the Hungarian National Diet. At the time Hungary was little more than a province of the Austrian Hapsburg Empire, but Kossuth was a Hungarian nationalist who believed that Hungary should become an independent nation. He soon became a journalist, writing numerous editorials condemning Austrian tyranny, which resulted in him becoming famous throughout Hungary. The Austrians, worried that he might cause a revolt, arrested him in 1837, causing an uproar throughout the country, ultimately forcing the Austrians to release him in 1840. Over the next few years Kossuth developed an ideology based around democracy and patriotism, ideas which were spreading throughout Europe at the time.

Then finally, the moment came. In 1848 revolution broke out in France and quickly spread to the German states, the Italian states, Austria, Denmark and Hungary. Kossuth, with his passionate and charismatic speeches, quickly became the leader of the democratic movement, not just in Hungary but throughout Europe, and he was quickly made President of Hungary, at which point he set about improving the country's infrastructure and liberating the Hungarian Jews. When Croatian forces invaded Hungary to restore Hapsburg rule, Kossuth raised a volunteer army called the Honved, that defeated the Hapsburg troops at the Battle of Pakozd. For a while it looked like Kossuth might indeed win independence for Hungary.

But it was not to be. The revolutionary forces in Germany, Italy, and Austria failed in 1849, and the Austrian forces regrouped and began handing defeat after defeat to the Hungarian forces. When the Russians invaded Hungary to help the Austrians, the Hungarian Revolution's fate was sealed.

After the war Kossuth went into exile in Britain and later America, where his speeches won him many admirers and he remained a hero amongst Hungarian nationalists. He died in 1894, several years before Hungary finally became independent in 1918, but the modern Hungarian nation is still largely based on his ideas of nationalist democracy.

Bronies, or Why Civilization As We Know It Is Doomed

Memorial Day is obviously a day to remember and respect those who have fought to defend our country, and I really respect that. Unfortunately, I can't help thinking that if those brave soldiers had known that one day bronies would exist, they might not have bothered.

What are bronies you may ask?...

...Terrible.

Seriously though, bronies are a subculture of fat, middle aged men who like My Little Pony. You know, that kids show that my little sister grew out of before she was even born. Seriously, even a 5 year old girl would be like "Dude, this is sad." 

So why do these people exist? Presumably it's some sort of Illuminati conspiracy to make us all 20 % dumber, but you didn't hear that from me. 

An Open Letter to Bernie Sanders

Ok, this post is gonna be a little more serious than the usual fare here at The Database, to the point that I was actually kind of reluctant to write it, but this is something that's been nagging at me for a while now, so I decided to just get it off my chest.

You see, Bernie Sanders said that white people don't know what it's like to be poor...

...What?

Aside from the fact that, you know, there are still plenty of homeless white people in America, and aside from the fact that probably the majority of people, of all races, are poor in Appalachia, Mr. Sanders himself should know better. His parents were Jewish immigrants from Poland, and I have a feeling they weren't exactly living the high life.

Now, don't get me wrong. Out of the three main presidential candidates who are still running, Bernie Sanders is the only one who I think seems like he'd be a nice guy in real life, because even though I disagree with almost all of his political opinions, he at least seems sincere about them, unlike Trump or Clinton. But this was just too much.

So in conclusion Mr.Sanders, I know you've pretty much built your entire career on race-baiting, and you were probably stoned when you said this anyway, but I'd really appreciate it if you'd quit with the racist rhetoric. If you expect Donald Trump to do so, you really ought to practice what you preach.

Nicolas Cage for President

Are you tired of watching America spin down the toilet, like the proverbial Barney's severed head in that song my cousin taught me when I was, like, 8? Are you tired of this mean spirited campaign? Are you having a hard time deciding whether to vote for Donald the oaf or Hillary the witch? Then good news everyone,because I've got a third alternative for you!

Meet Nicolas Cage.

But what's his platform you may ask? Well...

He's tough on national security. ("Never not be afraid.")

He's an expert on the declaration of independence.

He'll take a hard line stance against the bees.

He's opposed to detaining blighters for enjoying their whiskey.

He'll drag ISIS members out into the street, and beat them 'till they... PEE!... BLOOD!

He supports improving relations with France. ("Well, VIVE LA STINKING FRANCE, MAN!")

And perhaps most importantly of all... HE'S A VAMPIRE!!!

Now I know what your thinking. "But Noah, you handsome rake you, is Nicolas Cage even electable? I mean, third party candidates never win, right?" And you have a point.

But you know what? If Donald Stinking Trump is electable, why not Nicolas Cage? That's all I'm gonna say.

Adam Sandler's Amazing Death-o-rama!!!

A few days ago, I saw a trailer for some new film starring every one's favorite walking box office flop, Adam Sandler! Now, I don't think I need to tell you that almost every film Adam Sandler has been in has been... How can I say this nicely?... Ah, yes, complete and utter rubbish. But that's not really what I'm hear to talk about today. Today, I want to talk about one particular moment I saw in the trailer that really got me thinking.

At one point Adam Sandler is talking to his friend, whom I'll call Discount Jim Carrey because I don't care enough to google his actual name. Anywho, this is what Adam Sandler said:

Adam Sandler: I faked our deaths.

And that got me thinking, how would I react if Adam Sandler told me that? Confusion? Fear? Musing that Adam Sandler's career already died like ten years ago? Pondering how Adam Sandler got into my house despite the multiple restraining orders I've filed against him? I don't know, but Discount Jim Carrey just goes right back to hanging out with Adam Sandler like the first class tool he is. 

So, in honor of Adam Sandler's fake death, I decided to write him a fake obituary, and here it is in all it's glory:

Adam Sandler, the legendary scam artist actor died today in a freak accident during a game of Buzkashi, an exotic Afghan sport involving horse riders dragging goat carcasses toward the goal, presumably so the winner can marry said goat carcass. Mr. Sandler, whose film credits include the legendary Jack and Jill and Click, was understandably mistaken for the goat carcass. He leaves behind a number of adoring fans, cheering that there will never be any more Adam Sandler films. 

So, what do you think? Oh well. Whatever the case, I'm sure this film will be a load of cat vomit a masterpiece, and I will definitely not watch it. 

In conclusion, feel free to write your own fake obituary for Adam Sandler in the comments below. Bye for now! 

Update: I just found out that Discount Jim Carrey was actually David Spade, the star of my favorite movie, The Emperor's New Groove. Why David, why?!

Historical Highlights: Albert I of Belgium

Ok, today I'd like to introduce a new segment on this blog that I like to call "Historical Highlights." basically this is where I'll take a person or an event from history that I feel is often overlooked and put them in the spotlight. And to start off I'd like to introduce quite possibly the coolest king ever, Albert I of Belgium!

So, what made this guy so awesome? Well, besides the fact that he liked to disguise himself as an ordinary person so he could talk to his subjects and find out what their problems were so he could fix them, and besides the fact that he took the Belgian Colony of the Congo, which had been run as a slave state under his uncle Leopold II, and turned it into an infinitely more humane place, the main reason I think he's the most underrated leader of the 20th century is that this dude actually took personal command of his army during the darkest days of World War I, when over 90 percent of his country had been invaded by the Germans. And not only that, but he liked to stay in the trenches with his men, and endured the same hardships of shelling, shooting, and mud slogging that they did. He was like a 20th century version of the medieval kings who would fight right alongside their men!

Also, he had a really awesome mustache.

Seriously, this guy deserves to have a movie about him, stat. He could be played by Christopher Walken and everything! And if not a movie, I think he at least deserves a spot in the next Civilization game.

Jungle Book Movie Review

I think for as long as I can remember, I've had this strange fascination with India. I perceived it as a land of jungles and exotic animals, strange Bollywood musicals and people who wore turbans and spoke an otherworldly language. This goes back even before my parents went on a missionary trip to India a few years ago, and now that I think about it, I think it goes back to when I was a child watching Disney's The Jungle Book. I remember seeing that film when I was very young and being captivated by this story about an exotic and far away land that I knew so little about. In my opinion, Disney's new live action remake of the Jungle Book did an even better job than the original at portraying the mystical exoticism of India.

From the very start of the film we see a shot of India's various different animals drinking at a water hole, while haunting Indian music plays. This does a great job of setting the tone for the entire film. At one point we also see a small village where the people seem to be performing some kind of bonfire ritual, which was also very interesting to see. Probably the most interesting part was hearing about the animals mythology regarding how elephants created the jungle, which sounded very much like something the ancient Indians might well have believed.

An exciting story and memorable performances from Ben Kingsley, Bill Murray, the king-emperor Christopher Walken, and Idris Elba round out the film to make it probably one of the best movies I've seen so far this year, and I definitely recommend it.

The Walken Connection

I like to think this blog is going to be a place to discuss all the big questions about life and the universe, such as: what is the meaning of life? Why are people seriously considering voting for Donald Trump? where did we come from? Where did we go? Where did you come from, Cotton Eyed Joe? And most important of all, why do I have the theme song from Disney's Zorro stuck in my head?

But today, we're not going to talk about any of that boring philosophical stuff. Instead we're going to be talking about the one and only king-emperor of the known universe, Christopher Walken. You see, a few weeks ago while watching the new Jungle Book movie (which was quite good by the way, and I'll probably talk about it in a bit more depth sometime) I came to bit of a realization. I'm kind of obsessed with Christopher Walken. It's actually kind of weird really. But why? Is it the fact that he acts like he's high all the time  is an amazing actor? Is it the fact that his over 40 years of acting has made him a Hollywood legend? Is it the fact that he starred in Disney's greatest masterpiece The Country Bears? ...

No.

For me, it's one simple thing that many of you may not even be aware of. It's the fact that he is one of only two people on the entire planet who know that Robert Wagner is, in fact, guilty. What am I talking about? Well, you see, one sunny day at some indeterminate point in the 1970s that I'm too lazy to look up, Robert Wagner, his wife, and the Great Emperor Christopher I were on a boat ride. Also, they were all incredibly drunk. Because of this, Mrs. Wagner "accidentally" fell off the boat and died. 

But was it really an accident? WAS IT MR. WAGNER?!!!...

Probably, yes. But the only other man who knows for sure is Christopher Walken. And so, Mr. Walken, on behalf of all humanity, I beseach thee. Tell us what happened on that fateful day in nineteen seventy something! I simply must know so I can rub it in my mom's face! 

Oh well. We may never know for sure. But there is one thing I do know, and that is that I have a fever and the only prescription IS MORE COWBELL!!!

Greetings!

Bonjeur ladies and gentlemen! My name is Noah and you have found my blog, presumably as a result of a typo in your Google search or something. All the same, feel free to stick around for a while and check it out. On this blog I'll be discussing pop culture, history, news, anything that interests me or is on my mind really. Just a heads up before you move on though: for one thing, I'm a Christian, and as such I'll be discussing things from a Christian perspective when it's relevant, so if that puts you off, you probably won't care much for this blog. Also, I am incredibly silly, and that's certainly going to show through too. Just thought I'd warn you. Now read on... IF YOU DARE!!! BWAHAHAHAHA!!! (coughs)

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