But today, we're not going to talk about any of that boring philosophical stuff. Instead we're going to be talking about the one and only king-emperor of the known universe, Christopher Walken. You see, a few weeks ago while watching the new Jungle Book movie (which was quite good by the way, and I'll probably talk about it in a bit more depth sometime) I came to bit of a realization. I'm kind of obsessed with Christopher Walken. It's actually kind of weird really. But why? Is it the fact that he acts like he's high all the time is an amazing actor? Is it the fact that his over 40 years of acting has made him a Hollywood legend? Is it the fact that he starred in Disney's greatest masterpiece The Country Bears? ...
No.
For me, it's one simple thing that many of you may not even be aware of. It's the fact that he is one of only two people on the entire planet who know that Robert Wagner is, in fact, guilty. What am I talking about? Well, you see, one sunny day at some indeterminate point in the 1970s that I'm too lazy to look up, Robert Wagner, his wife, and the Great Emperor Christopher I were on a boat ride. Also, they were all incredibly drunk. Because of this, Mrs. Wagner "accidentally" fell off the boat and died.
But was it really an accident? WAS IT MR. WAGNER?!!!...
Probably, yes. But the only other man who knows for sure is Christopher Walken. And so, Mr. Walken, on behalf of all humanity, I beseach thee. Tell us what happened on that fateful day in nineteen seventy something! I simply must know so I can rub it in my mom's face!
Oh well. We may never know for sure. But there is one thing I do know, and that is that I have a fever and the only prescription IS MORE COWBELL!!!
You, Sir, are trying to provoke me by besmirching Mr. Wagner's good name. You must cease and desist this slander.
ReplyDeleteAlso, you're pretty funny.
Love,
Mom