Are you tired of watching America spin down the toilet, like the proverbial Barney's severed head in that song my cousin taught me when I was, like, 8? Are you tired of this mean spirited campaign? Are you having a hard time deciding whether to vote for Donald the oaf or Hillary the witch? Then good news everyone,because I've got a third alternative for you!
Meet Nicolas Cage.
But what's his platform you may ask? Well...
He's tough on national security. ("Never not be afraid.")
He's an expert on the declaration of independence.
He'll take a hard line stance against the bees.
He's opposed to detaining blighters for enjoying their whiskey.
He'll drag ISIS members out into the street, and beat them 'till they... PEE!... BLOOD!
He supports improving relations with France. ("Well, VIVE LA STINKING FRANCE, MAN!")
And perhaps most importantly of all... HE'S A VAMPIRE!!!
Now I know what your thinking. "But Noah, you handsome rake you, is Nicolas Cage even electable? I mean, third party candidates never win, right?" And you have a point.
But you know what? If Donald Stinking Trump is electable, why not Nicolas Cage? That's all I'm gonna say.
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