Obama Get's His Jew Hatin' On!

The UN has proposed a resolution, supported by Obama, declaring that Palestine is Israeli occupied territory that was stolen from the Palestinians. Never mind the fact that the Jews have lived in the Holy Land for over 3,000 years or so (Possibly longer) while the Arabs are relative newcomers, who only arrived there in large numbers after the Muslim conquest around 1,400 years ago. So, actually, a much better argument could be made that the Arabs stole the Holy Land from the Jews. See UN, I can play this historical grievance game too!

And even putting aside the historical and logical errors in this resolution, the moral implications of this resolution are pretty horrifying when you stop and think about it. The resolution is calling for Israel to return control of disputed lands like East Jerusalem to the Arabs. But you know how many Jews live in the parts of Palestine that are already under Arab control? Zero. Zilch. Nada. In other words, none. That's because the Radical Islamic Terrorist Group Hamas (which is part of the Palestinian coalition government by the way) is engaged in active ethnic cleansing to make Palestine Jew free. The Hamas charter even calls on Muslims to slaughter every Jew in the world. (Which is a quote from Muhammad by the way. Lovely chap.) And these are the people the UN and Obama want to give more power to? Just when I thought Obama couldn't be any more of a scumbag, he ends his presidency by becoming an active enabler of genocide. Classy.

So, in conclusion, I despise Palestine, Obama, the UN, and everything they stand for, Any questions?

Praise The Lord!

With this year's Christmas season over, I think now would be a good time to take a moment and thank Jesus for somehow making the city put the Nativity Scene back in public where it belongs. I don't know weather it was because of all the complaints (including mine) that they saw on the internet or not, but in any case this is a victory over the Social Justice Warriors, and with Trump about to be inaugurated next month, I suspect there will be many more to come!

Historical Highlights: Faisal al-Hashimi

Today I want to talk about someone who almost changed the history of the Middle East for the better, but unfortunately all too many Arabs did not heed his advice.

Faisal al-Hashimi was born on May 20, 1885 in Mecca, the holy city of Islam. His father, Hussein bin Ali, was the governor of the holy city. In theory he worked for his Ottoman Turkish overlords in Istanbul, but he, like many other Arabs, dreamed of an independent Arab nation, free from Turkish rule. In 1913 Faisal was elected to the recently created Ottoman Parliament, and World War One broke out a year later. But by 1916 he had a meeting that changed the course of his life.

 While on a trip to Damascus, Faisal met a British Army officer named T.E. Lawrence, who persuaded him to raise an Arab revolt against the Turks. Faisal, fatefully, agreed.

With Lawrence's help, Faisal and his Arab rebels captured Mecca, Medina, and Damascus, kicking the Turks out of the Arab lands forever. Part of the reason for his victory was that rather than enforcing Sharia law as many other Arab leaders did, Faisal emphasized Arab rather than Muslim identity, and as a result Arab Christians and Jews rallied to his cause. As a reward for his victory Faisal was made King of Syria at the Versailles peace conference. While there, he signed a treaty with Zionist leader Chaim Weizmann, agreeing to support the creation of a Jewish state in the Holy Land, something that many other Arabs refused to even consider.

Looking at the Middle East in 1920, with the fall of the Ottoman Empire, the rise of independent, democratic, and religiously tolerant Arab, Turkish, and Armenian states, and the Jews finally returning to their ancient homeland, it would have been tempting to see this as the dawn of a new golden age for the region. Unfortunately though, it was not to be.

In the spring of 1920 the French laid claim to Syria, and after a few months of combat, they deposed Faisal's government and he was exiled to Britain. Luckily for him though, the British had plans for him. They were looking for someone to rule over their protectorate in Iraq, and he was just the man. So in March of 1921, he was declared King of Iraq. Despite being relatively unknown among Iraqi Arabs, Faisal toured his new kingdom and won over his subjects. During his reign he improved the education system (which until then had been virtually non-existent), prevented his civil servants from trying to fire Jewish officials because of their ethnicity, built roads to connect Baghdad with Damascus, Amman, and other major Arab cities, promoted religious tolerance, and built up the Iraqi Army.

Faisal, who by now was seen as more or less the natural leader of the Arabs, dreamed of uniting Iraq and Syria into a single constitutional monarchy under his rule, but the Turks, Egyptians, and Saudis all opposed this, fearing that such a nation would dominate the region. By 1933, Faisal had fallen severely ill and was largely unable to govern the country himself, with tragic results. After a clash between Iraqi troops and an Assyrian Christian militia, several Assyrians were massacred at the village of Simele. Faisal was horrified by this, but was unable to punish the killers because many radical Muslims viewed the killers as heroes. This incident likely caused his health to deteriorate even further, and he died on September 8, 1933, some say due to poisoning.

Who knows what may have happened had he lived longer. I can't help but think that if Faisal had been in power when Israel declared it's independence in 1948 he would likely have refused to go to war with them, unlike the other Arab nations. Would this have lead to a more peaceful and tolerant Middle East? Only God knows for sure, but I'd like to think so.

How The Left Stole Christmas

I love Christmas. I really do. But you know what I don't love? The Social Justice Warriors who are trying to destroy Christmas. From forcing schools not to put up Christmas decorations, to trying to get people to say "Seasons Greetings" instead of "Merry Christmas" (what does "Seasons Greetings" even mean anyway? Happy Winter?) it seems like the Left is determined to take the joy out of the holiday season. And now they've brought it closer to home than ever.

You see, ever since I can remember, my hometown has put up a wooden nativity scene in the town square. Sure, it looked kind of funny, (we used to joke that one of the Wise Men looked like he was carrying a pistol) but it served as a great reminder that Christmas is in fact named after Jesus Christ. But lately the town has been forced to take it down, presumably by some ACLU types from up North who can't stand the thought of someone taking joy and comfort in their faith because it hurts their fee-fees.

Well, I say they can take their politically correct sensibilities and shove 'em. We need to keep the "Christ" in "Christmas Season" or else it'll just be another Season.

Seasons Greetings! Nah, just kidding. Merry Christmas!

Hail To The Chief

Well, I never thought I'd say this, but... Donald Trump is going to be the 45th President of the United States. I was up almost all of last night watching the election results coming in. It was a very tense night to be sure, but I couldn't help being excited when it was over.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not sure what to expect from President Trump. But I do know one thing: whatever happens, the next 4 years are going to be a wild but hilarious ride!

Scripture of the Month

After hearing that the FBI is reopening the Hillary Clinton E-Mail investigation, I thought I'd make a quick post to remind y'all of a Bible passage that I think is quite relevant right now...

"For her sins have reached unto heaven, and God hath remembered her iniquities. Reward her even as she rewarded you, and double unto her double according to her works: in the cup which she hath filled fill to her double. How much she hath glorified herself, and lived deliciously, so much torment and sorrow give her: for she saith in her heart, I sit a queen, and am no widow, and shall see no sorrow."
(Revelation 18: 5-7)

All this is a round about way of saying that Hillary Clinton is the Whore of Babylon. Have a nice day!

Is Donald Trump a Pedophile?

Ok, this could be big. A few weeks ago a lawsuit came out from an unnamed woman claiming that Donald Trump and millionaire Jefferey Epstein raped her when she was 13. (Almost put 3 there. Big difference.) So, is there anything to this?

Well, normally I would say that the lack of a name attached to the suit would make it more credible, since otherwise it would be easy to dismiss it as an attention grab. But on the other hand, the fact that this suit was already dismissed several years earlier due to lack of evidence, the fact that she could be doing this for some of Trump's money, the fact that even Hillary Clinton apparently didn't think this was credible enough to attack Trump with, and the fact that she's only bringing this up again now that Trump is running for president all make me weary of taking this too seriously. Mind you, if it turns out I was wrong, I will retract all of this.

But it is worth noting that Jefferey Eptsein is a confirmed pedophile, (and a friend of Bill Clinton) and Trump really should have known better than to associate with him, so he hardly comes out of all this looking good.

The lesson here kids is, don't believe everything you read.

On the Orlando Mosque Fire

So apparently the mosque that was attended by Orlando shooter Omar Mateen, was recently set on fire. Now, let me make this clear. I don't support vigilante justice. I believe taking the law into your hands is almost always a bad idea. But at the same time (and don't hate me for this) I can't help but feel that this is karma coming back to bite Islam.

You see, where do you think Mateen learned to hate the West? I'm going to go out on a limb and say it was probably at his mosque. So I honestly think this is only fair, especially since no one was actually hurt as far as I know.

It gets even worse though. On the news they were talking about how the police were going through the arsonist's Twitter feed and saw a bunch of anti- Islamic tweets, and are now planning to punish him for "hate (read: thought) crimes". And you just know that Muslim pressure groups are gonna milk this "Islamophobia" for all it's worth. What kind of world are we living in where a man can be punished for having a controversial opinion? What is this, 1984?

But all in all, I do hope that this guy is arrested. Not because he's anti- Islam, because any intelligent person is, but because he's committed a crime. And that is reason enough.

P.S.: Sorry that this wasn't a humorous post, but I needed to get this off my chest. After all, having to hold opinions in like this can stress you out, and I'm on vacation right now.

Pokemon Go is Taking Over the World

The title says it all folks. All over the world people young and old are playing the Pokemon Go thing-a-ma-bob. not me of course. I have better things to do than play Pokemon Go. Like ranting about it for instance.

I heard that a man in Russia was recently arrested for playing Pokemon Go in church. It may seem silly that that's illegal, but I'm more worried about the fact that apparently enough people were playing Pokemon Go in church for there to be a law against it. (Than again, in America it's illegal to cross state lines with a duck on your head, so you never know.)

So what can we do about the Pokemon infesting our world. Well, I guess we gotta catch 'em all.

Islam is Evil

You know what one of my favorite things about democracy is? Freedom of speech. And incidentally, that also happens to be one of Radical Islam's least favorite things. Because, you see, if free speech is allowed, people might learn unflattering but true things about Islam that might offend the Muslim community. But you know what? I really don't care if Muslims are offended, because these things need to be said. So here are some facts that Muslims would rather you not know...

1: In Islam, wives are treated as slaves, who can be beaten whenever they disobey their husbands, not that you'll hear radical feminists talk about that. After all, they're too busy complaining about someone posting something on the internet they don't like.

2: In Islam, women who don't wear burkas are considered fair targets for rape. (Witness the rape epidemic that's happening in Europe thanks to Muslim immigrants.) But again, hardly a peep about this from radical feminists, or for that matter, European governments, who in some cases have actively tried to cover up these crimes. Ever notice that most of these Islamic beliefs involve oppressing women? Why do you think that is?... Oh, that's right, because many Muslim men see women as no better than cattle, and in some cases worse.

3: Most of y'all probably already know this, but the Koran tells Muslims to wage war or "jihad" against all non-Muslims until they either convert or agree to live as second class citizens under their Muslim overlords. For all the bellyaching Muslims do about how the Crusades were a case of "Western Imperialism" they were actually nothing but a Christian response to centuries of Muslim aggression.

4: Islam is incredibly racist. Most of you probably already know that Islam is violently antisemitic, but did you know that it's racist against Black people too? The Koran actually says that Black people can't go to Islamic Heaven. And yet there are millions of Black Muslims. Go figure.

5: Muhammad was a thoroughly unpleasant person in general. In addition to being a power hungry, dishonest, genocidal maniac who had all the Jewish men in his region murdered for refusing to accept Islam, he was also a pedophile who married a 6 year old girl.

6: Islam is pagan. As much as Muslims like to claim to worship the same God as we Christians and Jews do, Islam is actually mostly derived from the pagan religion of ancient Arabia. In fact, Allah is nothing more than the old Canaanite moon god B'aal, hence why the crescent moon is the symbol of Islam. As you may remember from the Bible, the Canaanites were fond of sacrificing people to B'aal, a practice that modern Muslims carry on in the form of killing non-Muslims. The real God is no doubt enraged that Muslims are trying to pass off this demonic false god as Him. Which leads me to the last one...

7: Allah is a liar, and encourages Muslims to lie. The Koran claims that Jesus wasn't really crucified, but that Allah only made it seem that way to everyone. But why would Allah deceive people like that if he is sinless? The answer is simple: because he's not sinless. In fact, he's quite the opposite. Not only is this Allah chap quite a dishonest bloke, but his Koran actually tells people that it's okay to lie in the name of Islam.

So there you have it, 7 things that Muslims don't want to hear but that need to be said. So if anyone tries to give you that "Islam is a religion of peace" nonsense again, just tell them these things.

Historical Highlights: John Henry Patterson

Today I'm going to tell the story of John Henry Patterson, the Israeli Army's unlikely Gentile father.

John Patterson was born in Forgney, Ireland, on November 10, 1867. He was raised by a Protestant father and a Catholic mother, and became a devout Protestant, which would later fuel his pro-Jewish sympathies. He joined the British army in 1884, and was sent to India, where he became an experienced tiger hunter, a skill which would come in handy later.

In 1898 he was sent to Africa to supervise the construction of a railway along the Tsavo River in modern day Kenya. While in Africa, Patterson's workers were regularly attacked by lions, so Patterson set out to hunt the lions (known as the "Tsavo Man-Eaters") down. After several attempts, he finally killed them, and was hailed as a hero by the native population. A few years later, the British colonial governor of Kenya made him a game warden.

In 1909, he went on safari with the nobleman Audley Blyth and his wife Ethel. During the safari, Audley committed suicide, and although Patterson was not involved, he was accused of killing Blyth to have an affair with Ethel. These untrue rumors would haunt him and his military career for several years afterward.

He served bravely during the Boer War, but won his real spurs in the Middle Eastern Campaign of World War One, where he found himself commanding a Legion of Jewish Volunteers, despite being a Gentile himself. During this time, he grew to respect his Jewish soldiers and their Zionist cause, and was angered by the prejudice they faced from his superiors, so much so that he threatened to resign in order to force the high command to treat them fairly. He succeeded, but the generals held a grudge against Patterson, and he was never promoted. All the same, his Jewish Legion later became the foundation for the Israeli Army.

After World War One, Patterson continued his support for Zionism, and supported the creation of a new Jewish Brigade to fight the Nazis, although he was too old by then to command it himself. His final request before his death on June 18, 1947, was to be buried in Israel, and the Israeli government granted his request decades later in 2014.

If any man can be said to have lived the British Empire, it was John Henry Patterson.

Close Encounters of the Russian Kind

Ok, something kind of weird has happened to me today, but to really explain it I have to give some backstory.

On Monday, I was watching a movie about Stalin from 1992 (which was very interesting by the way, I recommend it if you're into Russian history) and saw some Russian neo-nazi (judging by his charming profile picture of a Nazi who looked like a serial killer, and his YouTube channel, which consisted mostly of racist music videos) conspiracy theorist in the comments claim that the Russian Communist Party was 85% Jewish, or some other such nonsense.I looked up the Soviet census, and wouldn't you know it, the Communist Party was only 5% Jewish. So he was only off by, you know, 80%, but hey, that's better than most Nazis can do.

So anyway, I told him this, and his charming response was to call me a communist, and a four letter word that I shant repeat here. I haven't heard from him since, so I assume he's realized he's lost the argument, and gone back to pulling the legs of spiders, or molesting goats, or whatever Russian neo-nazis do. How weird is it though, that I live in a day and age where a 19 year old from rural South Carolina can get into an argument with a kooky Russian fascist who he will hopefully most likely never meet in real life?

The moral of this story, of course, is never trust a Russian with a keyboard, because they will almost always get up to no good.

Squirreluminatti Confirmed

Ok, what I have to reveal today is gonna BLOW... YOUR... MINDS!!!

You see, I had the opportunity to visit Philadelphia a few days ago. In addition to getting to see Independence Hall and the Liberty Bell, I also had a close encounter with the Squirrel Kind.

What do I mean by that? Well, we were outside eating ice cream, when all of a sudden, we saw a squirrel. But this wasn't just any squirrel. This squirrel was out for blood. He glared us very intensely, almost like he was sizing us up. In the end nothing happened, but it made us all distinctly uncomfortable.

Why do I bring this all up? Because it's further evidence for something I've suspected for a long time.

You see, squirrels are planning to take over the world. I know, it may sound crazy, but hear me out. Squirrels have been gathering nuts for thousands of years at this point. Almost like their preparing for something... Like, for instance, oh, I don't know, TAKING OVER THE WORLD?!!! 

It's genius really. Squirrels may seem like some of the dumbest living things on God's green Earth, but it's all just an act to lure us into a false sense of security while they plot the downfall of the entire human race, and the founding of the Squirrel Reich.... Wait... What's that?!... Oh no, it's... IT'S!... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

This blog has officially been taken over by the Squirreluminatti. You didn't see anything.

The Quest for Joisey

Ok guys, I thought I should let you know that I'm actually going to be going on a mission trip to the far off, exotic land of New Jersey for the next few days, so there's a chance I might not have much time to update The Database for the next few days, though hopefully I'll be able to at least get a few posts in. Please pray, both for the mission trip, and to prevent me from running into the cast of Jersey Shore.

In the meantime, have a a picture of Donald Trump making a weird face!

P.S.: Also, just to let you guys know, I've actually started a YouTube channel, that I've affectionately dubbed That Darn Wesley, after everyone's favorite little twerp from Star Trek: The Next Generation!... That's right, I'm talking to you Worf...

The Wacky Adventures of Kim Jong Un and Friends!!!

Ok, so apparently North Korea, AKA South Korea's Evil (and stupid) Twin, has declared war on America. Why you may ask? Because we stopped giving their dictator, Kim Jong Un, his weekly allowance. Naturally, that really grinds his gears. After all, without money, how's he supposed to pay for all of those violent X Box games he stole from Wal-Mart? I mean sure, he could just use all the money he steals from other people works hard for, but why waste that money when he could use other people's? Nah, much easier to just get the money by declaring war on a global superpower. what could possibly go wrong, am I right?

...

...No, I'm not. Assuming the USA actually takes North Korea's declaration of war seriously instead of just laughing in Kim Jong Un's fat, ugly face, the North Koreans are going to get destroyed like a toilet in Taco Bell. You see, North Korea is basically the global version of that annoying little twerp you all probably knew in school. You know, the snotty brat with stupid hair who looks like his favorite hobby is probably swearing at people in multiplayer Call of Duty matches? Yeah, that kid. He may like to mouth off at you, but if you actually call him out for it, the little insect will probably just pee his pants a little and scamper off to whine to his parents about how he was bullied in school...

 ...Sorry, what was I talking about?... Oh yeah, North Korea, the country that took one look at Hitler and Stalin and said "Pfft, you call that evil?". All that being said though, don't worry too much about them nuking us. If they tried to nuke Los Angeles, they'd probably hit Djibouti. Or hopefully, the nuke would just turn back and finally blow Kim Jon Un to the Bad Place, where he can meet his idol the Devil. And I for one, will laugh hysterically through it all.

P.S.: So, as you may have guessed, Star Trek Month is pretty much over now. Sorry I had to skip over a few things, but maybe I'll be able to talk about the other movies some other time.

J.J. Abrams Star Trek Films

I've decided to cover both J.J. Abrams Star Trek movies in one post because I want to rap up Star Trek Month quickly.

In the first Abrams Star Trek film, the original Enterprise crew is re imagined as a group of young Starfleet Academy cadets trying to stop an evil  Romulan from destroying Earth. Overall, I actually like this movie, despite the fact that there's a fair amount of hate for it amongst the Trekkie community.

In Star Trek: Into Darkness, Kirk goes after a terrorist who assassinated a Starfleet admiral. I like this movie too, although I don't care much for the ending. Basically (Spoiler Alert) the terrorist is Khan and Kirk sacrifices himself to defeats him, resulting in Spock shouting "KHAAAAAAAN!!!". Don't worry, Kirk gets revived at the end, but that doesn't change the fact that the the end of this movie is basically a rehash of the end of Wrath of Khan, only not as good.

Overall, I've got to say that I like the recast actors, and the special effects, but I honestly would have preferred more Next Generation films.

Star Trek VIII Movie Review

Ok folks, in case you're wondering why I've skipped from Star Trek VI to Star Trek VIII, I've got some bad news for you. I don't have Star Trek VII, Star Trek IX or Star Trek X on DVD or Netflix, so we are going to have to skip a few of the films unfortunately, so sorry about that. I really should have checked that before starting these reviews. Oh well. On the bright side, we've maTde it to my favorite Star Trek movie of all!

Before I talk about the plot of this movie, I'm gonna have to give some backstory. Back in the Star Trek: The Next Generation TV series, there was a two part episode where Picard got assimilated by the Borg. (For those who aren't familiar with Trek lore, the Borg are a hive mind race of cyborgs who seek to absorb other life forms.) Although he was rescued eventually, the incident clearly traumatized him, and by the time this movie takes place he seems to be suffering from shell shock. Notice how, like Star Trek II, this movie is basically a sequel to some of the TV episodes, and I think this is a great way of expanding on previously established stories.

Anyway, in this movie the Borg travel back in time to before humanity made first contact with the Vulcans, in an attempt to prevent the Federation from ever being formed, and Picard and his his crew have to stop them.

As I mentioned earlier this month, I prefer Picard over Kirk for a number of reasons, and this movie is a great example of one of the biggest ones: acting. Patrick Stewart is really top notch here. Can anyone really say they prefer the Price Line Negotiator over Hamlet with a straight face?

So yeah, this is by far my favorite Star Trek movie.

Star Trek VI Movie Review

Ok, here we are. The last of the Star Trek movies featuring the original cast, and thankfully, they went out with a bang.

In this movie, Kirk and his crew attend treaty negotiations with the Klingons to finally end the cold war between the United Federation of Planets and the Klingon Empire, and have to stop a plot to assassinate the Federation and Klingon leaders.

This movie came out in 1991, so as you probably guessed, this movie was based on the real life Cold War between the United States and the Soviet Union, which had only recently ended at the time of the movies release, and I'd say this movie makes for pretty good political/historical commentary. Even today, I think this movie still has a good pro-peace message.

Over all, this movie has good acting, good writing, and a good story. I give this one an A.

Star Trek V Movie Review

If I had to pick a phrase to describe this movie, I think it would be "William Shatner's Mid-Life Crisis: The Movie!!!" because it really does come across as Mr. Shatner trying to boost his own ego at the expense of the rest of the cast, which is more than a little off putting.

This movie is about Shatner... I mean Kirk, trying to stop a crazy cult leader from meeting God. (Surprisingly, Mr. Shatner chose not to play the role of God himself.)

...

... Yeah, it's just as stupid as it sounds.

Bottom line, the thing to take away from this movie is that William Shatner should NOT have power.

Star Trek IV Movie Review

Ok, now we're back on the good side of the Star Trek movies.

In this movie a weird alien probe shows up over Earth and demands to speak to the blue whales... Just go with it... Who apparently went extinct 100 years ago in the Star Trek Universe, so Kirk and crew go back in time to the 1980s to save the whales!!!....

...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!... Ok, I'm sorry, it's just... That plot is just so hilariously stupid, I love it! That being said, it's also pretty simple, and after the overly complex mess that was Star Trek III, it really is a breath of fresh air.

This movie is also definitely more comedy oriented than most of the other Star Trek movies, which was a fun and interesting direction to take the franchise in.

Tomorrow, we'll be tackling one of the worst Star Trek Movies ever though...

Star Trek III: The Search For Spock Movie Review

Ok, I normally try to avoid spoilers in these reviews, but to explain the plot of this movie I kind of have to spoil the end of Star Trek II. So, to put a long story short, Spock dies at the end of Star Trek II, and this movie, as it's name implies, is about searching for Spock, who apparently could potentially be revived because apparently Spock's soul has possessed Dr. McCoy. Oh, and there's a planet that can revive people. Oh, and the Klingons are after them.

As you can probably tell, this movie has a really complex plot. In fact, I would say that if Star Trek I had too little plot, and Star Trek II had just the right plot, this movie has too much plot. It's just too complicated, and it's also kind of boring, so I honestly had kind of a hard time following it. It's still miles better than Star Trek I, (because at least stuff is happening) but it's no where near as good as Star Trek II.

Star Trek III: The Search For Spock Movie Review

Ok, I normally try to avoid spoilers in these reviews, but to explain the plot of this movie I kind of have to spoil the end of Star Trek II. So, to put a long story short, Spock dies at the end of Star Trek II, and this movie, as it's name implies, is about searching for Spock, who apparently could potentially be revived because apparently Spock's soul has possessed Dr. McCoy. Oh, and there's a planet that can revive people. Oh, and the Klingons are after them.

As you can probably tell, this movie has a really complex plot. In fact, I would say that if Star Trek I had too little plot, and Star Trek II had just the right plot, this movie has too much plot. It's just too complicated, and it's also kind of boring, so I honestly had kind of a hard time following it. It's still miles better than Star Trek I, (because at least stuff is happening) but it's no where near as good as Star Trek II.

Historical Highlights: Battle of the Boyne

Every year, on July 12, proud people parade triumphantly through the streets of Belfast, Northern Ireland. But who are these people and what are they celebrating? To answer that question, we have to go back over 400 years ago, to the late 1600s.

In 1685, James II, a Catholic, became King of England, and began trying to impose Catholicism and absolute monarchy on  the traditionally Protestant and constitutional English nation. This naturally provoked a great deal of hostility towards the King among both Parliament and the common people, and it wasn't long before they began to plot against him. This plot finally came to fruition in 1688 when William III, Prince of Orange, King of the Netherlands, and next in line to the English throne, landed in the English port of Brixham, provoking a revolution that forced James to flee to Ireland. William was crowned as England's new King, and he set about restoring England's Protestant, constitutional order. All seemed to be well now.

But it wasn't, not yet. Back in Ireland, James was rousing the Catholics of southern Ireland to his cause in an attempt to retake Britain. However, the Protestants of Northern Ireland (also known as Ulster) refused to accept his rule. So, in 1689, James set out to conquer Ulster, as a stepping stone to reconquering Britain. But the Ulster Protestants proved to be better fighters than James had expected. From April 18 to July 28 his forces besieged the town of Derry, but the people of Derry refused to give up, and as a result "No Surrender" became a battle cry still used in Ulster today. For over three months the Catholic cannons banged away at Derry, and disease spread, but still the Protestants stood firm. Finally, on April 28, the Royal Navy blasted through the Catholic lines, and the battle was won.

After William arrived in Ulster, the Protestants went on the offensive and marched south. When the Protestant forces tried to cross the Boyne River near Dublin on 11 July, 1690, the Catholics tried to oppose them. They nearly drove the Protestants back across the river, but the Protestant cavalry managed to regroup and counterattack, forcing the Catholics to retreat. This was a major victory for William. Although the Catholics weren't completely defeated until 1691, the Battle of the Boyne was the end of their chances of victory.

Although the battle actually happened on July 11, it came to be celebrated by Irish protestants on July 12 thanks to calendar confusions, and is still celebrated that way today. For Protestants, the Boyne is a symbol of their determination to keep the true Christian faith in defiance of Papal authority. For Catholics, it is a symbol of humiliating defeat that still fuels resentment today. The Irish Catholics would continue to try to subvert the Protestants (notably in the Easter rebellion of 1916, the Irish Republican Army's support for Hitler, a nominal Catholic by the way, during World War II, and the Troubles of 1969 to 1998) but thankfully for true Christians like myself they have always failed.

Honestly the fact that the Catholic Church likes to posture about being the one true Christian church despite having mostly abandoned true Christian doctrine, and that the Pope is hailed by many as Christianity's leader despite the Papacy's frequent abuse of power over several centuries enrages me, and I suspect that it enrages God as well. I look forward to the day when the true church will replace the false one once and for all. Happy Orange Day!

Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan Movie Review

Ok, today we're going from the worst Star Trek move to one of the best.

This film was sort of a sequel to Space Seed, probably the best episode of Star Trek: The Original Series. Without spoiling too much about that episode (because I plan to talk about it a bit more later this month) that episode had Kirk meeting a war criminal named Khan whom he defeated by marooning him on a desert planet. And now, about 20 or so years later in universe, Khan is back and wants revenge on Kirk.

Like the first film, the plot here is pretty simple. Unlike the first film though, it's also interesting enough to carry an entire movie without having to pad out the run time with long and pointless scenes showing off their crummy special effects.

Over all, I think this movie deserves it's reputation as one of the best Star Trek movies, and I strongly recommend it.

Happy Birthday America!

I wanted to take our nation's birthday as a chance to talk about what America means to me. (Cliche, I know.)

To me, America can be summed up in that wonderful phrase in our declaration of independence: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal." You hear that? That's the sound of all the absolute monarchs of the old order of Europe shaking in their boots. It may well be self evident to us today, but in 1776 the idea of God given equality truly was radical revolutionary talk. Instead of the then traditional idea of the "divine right of kings", where God bestows special priveleges on a chosen few, everyone in the new society would have equal rights. To all those edgy teens out there today who become communists, anarchists, neo-nazis, or, worst of all, jihadists, because they think there's something "cool" or "glamorous" about being a radical, they need look no further than their own country.

But even more important (and often overlooked) is that word "created". Liberals may not like it, but the use of that word implies that this equality is given to us not by anything good about ourselves, but by God Himself. It is he that gives us any value we have, and this is the fundamental belief of American democracy. It's also what gives Americans our sense of right and wrong. Americans are loath to kill in the name of politics as Communists, Fascists, Anarchists, and Jihadists so readily do, because we believe that all human life is given value by a God who will judge people for their actions.

Sure, America hasn't always lived up to all of those ideals, but we've overcome most of those problems, and that's what being an American means to me.

Kirk or Picard?

As the great man Al Jancovic once said "Only question I ever thought was hard, do I like Kirk or do I like Picard?" I however, do not find that question hard. I deeply, profoundly prefer Picard. Why? Because, frankly, I think Picard is a better captain and a more interesting character over all.

Why do I think Picard is a better captain? Because he's much less reckless and more cautious. Kirk would pretty much break the rules whenever he wanted, and while Picard was sometimes known to bend the rules in order to do what was right, he was usually a lot more reasonable about it. Basically,if I were in Starfleet, I think I'd be a lot more likely to survive on Picard's Enterprise.

So yeah, Picard wins for me.

Star Trek: The Motion Picture Review

Hey y'all, and welcome to the first review of Star Trek Month! Today we're gonna get the worst Star Trek film out of the way first: Star Trek: The Motion Picture. This movie sure is... Something... Actually, you know what, no, this movie isn't something. It's literally nothing. There is nothing of substance in this movie. This movie is literally so boring that me and my siblings spent most of it talking about Scooby Doo for some reason.

The "plot" of this "movie" (and I'm using both terms VERY loosely) is that there's some weird space anomaly (I believe "thingie" is the scientific term) approaching Earth, and the Enterprise is sent to investigate. Yup, the plot is weak with this one. Oh, there are some subplots about getting the old crew back together, Spock searching for logic, Kirk having a rivalry with the new captain, even a love story between the new captain and some bald chick, but none of it seems to go much of anywhere.

But the plot isn't the biggest problem with this movie. That would be the special effects. They're really not that impressive, even for 1979 when this movie was made, and what's worse, the filmmakers feel the need to show them off with long sequences where we see the effects, with basically NOTHING of substance happening, not even dialogue most of the time. I feel like they were trying to make this movie kind of 2001: A Space Odyssey, you know, a movie without much in the way of story or dialogue, but that makes up for it with really impressive visuals. The problem is that, like I said, this movie just doesn't have impressive enough visuals for that.

Basically, the only good thing about this movie was that it relaunched (Get it?) the Star Trek franchise after a 10 year hiatus. Oh, and also the music was so good that it was later used as the theme song for Star Trek: The Next Generation, my personal favorite Star Trek series ever. But other than that, this movie was a huge waste of time, and I recommend giving it a miss.

...

... Captain Kirk: SPOOOOOCCCCKKKKK!

To Boldly Go Where No Month Has Gone Before

Hello ladies, gentlemen, and assorted aliens and androids! I just wanted to let y'all know that, in honor of Star Trek's 50th Anniversary being this month, (and the fact that the new Star Trek film will also be coming out this month) I've decided that July will be Star Trek Month here at the Database! I'll be reviewing all of the Star Trek films, culminating in a review of the new film towards the end of the month, and I'll also probably doing a lot other Star Trek themed posts too. Set phasers to geek out!

Historical Highlights: The Czech Legion

Today, instead of highlighting an individual person as usual, we're going to be talking about what I think is one of the greatest untold stories of World War One: the adventures of the Czech Legion!

Ever since 1526, the land that is now the Czech Republic had been under the rule of the Austrian Empire, but by the time World War One broke out in 1914, many Czechs wanted freedom and independence from Austrian rule. As such, many Czechs joined the armies of the Entente Powers fighting against Austria, including France, Italy, and, most importantly, Russia. 

The Czech Legion serving under Russian command served bravely throughout the war, most notably in 1917 at the Battle of Zborov in Ukraine, where they inflicted a severe defeat on the Austrians and Germans. However, despite the valiant efforts of the Russian and Czech armies, the Bolshevik Revolution broke out in October of 1917, dividing the Russians between communist and anti-communist factions, and crippling their war effort against the Germans. The Czechs on the other hand, were determined to continue the fight, and decided to try and fight their way across Russia (a pretty tall order, what with Russia being the largest country on Earth and all) and then sail to France to fight on the Western Front. And so, in May, 1918, the Czechs fought off several German assaults in the Ukraine and started their epic quest across Russia.

Although the Russian Communists promised not to interfere with the Czechs' journey, tensions were on the rise between them and the Czechs as they headed towards Russia's Pacific port at Vladivostok, until, on May 14, the Russians attempted to arrest the Czechs at Chelyabinsk. The Czechs refused to surrender, leading to outright war between them and the Russian Communists. They continued to fight along the Siberian railway throughout the rest of May 1918, with the Czechs winning most of the battles despite being severely outnumbered (including one battle in which they allegedly managed to make off with most of the communists' gold), and by the end of the month, the Czechs had reached Vladivostok and overthrew the local communist government. The Soviets were so terrified of the Czechs that they executed the Tsar and his family so the Czechs couldn't rescue them. It's a shame that the Czechs didn't arrive in time to save them too, since if the Tsar's family had lived the movie Anastasia wouldn't have been made, which would be a net gain for humanity.

Throughout their journey through Russia the Czechs escorted a number of Russian refugees from the communists (mostly women and children) to safety in the Western countries.

Although the war had ended by the time the Czechs made it home in 1920, the Entente powers of Britain, France, America, and Italy were so impressed by the Czechs' bravery that they agreed to create an independent Czech nation, whose army was mostly made up of veterans of the Legion. 

In conclusion, I think it's a shame that this, one of the coolest epics of World War One, has been largely forgotten, (except among Czechs and Slovaks of course) and all I have to say to the people who forgot about it is... Czech your privilege!...

...I'm sorry...

Why Jar Jar Binks Needs To Die A Painful Death

As anyone who has seen the Star Wars prequels knows, Jar Jar Binks is the Devil. Ok, I may be exaggerating, but only slightly really. Maybe only most people know. But what makes Jar Jar such an abomination exactly? Well besides his annoying voice and character design that makes me want to vomit, there's the fact that he's possibly a racist stereotype.

What am I talking about, you ask? Well, many people have suggested that his odd speaking patterns, (you know, "MEESA YOU'RE HUMBLE SERVENT!" "MEESA BACK!" "MEESA THE REINCARNATION OF ADOLF HITLER!"... I made up one of these quotes, can you guess which one?) is similar to those old blackface characters from old timey minstrel shows. So there's that. To be perfectly honest, that probably wasn't George Lucas's intention, but that's how it came across to a lot of people.

Also, Jar Jar Binks was voiced by some guy named Ahmed Best, which despite the last name, is the worst name ever.

Brexit and Texit: Two Great Tastes That Taste Great Together

As you've presumably already heard unless you live in the farthest reaches of the globe (AKA West Virginia) Britain has just voted to leave the European Union, and I for one wholeheartedly support their decision. As far as I'm concerned, the Brits have let the unelected bureaucrats in Brussels push them around for far too long at this point, but now the dog is finally biting back. Hopefully other countries will follow suit soon.

And that brings me to something a little closer to home. According to a reliable source my Dad, there are quite a few Texans who think that their state should secede from the United States before it becomes the property of Trump Enterprises. (All Rights Reserved, please don't sue me Mr. Trump.) Sure, there have always been jokes about Texas being a nation unto itself (and back in 1836 of course, it actually was) but they seem to be serious this time. And I'll be completely honest with you. If Clinton or Trump win this year's election, I might think seriously about heading west...

Or maybe even campaigning for my home state of South Carolina to do the same. Because no matter how many Confederate flags the Yankees make us get rid of, we DO have the right to do that.

In conclusion, I've got one thing to say to y'all Texans: if you don't call your secession campaign "Texit", there's something serious wrong with you.

P.S.: On an unrelated note, Bashar al-Assad, the dictator of Syria has started an Instagram account. I look forward to seeing pictures of his victims with crummy Tumblr filters soon.

Why Moffat Needs To Stop It

Let me get this out of the way right off the bat. I like Doctor Who. A lot. I like the 2005- present revival of the show. A lot. But I dislike Steven Moffat. A lot.

Don't get me wrong, when it comes to things like casting, he's great. Matt Smith and Peter Capaldi have both made great Doctors (In fact, Matt Smith is my favorite Doctor), and Amy and Rory are easily my favorite companions. I even liked Clara... At first. But then Moffat just had to go and ruin it.

You see, Clara started out as a bit of a level headed but somewhat feisty counterpart to the 11th Doctor, and back then she was a fun character. Maybe not quite as well developed as Amy and Rory had been, but it was early on in her run, so that was to be expected. In any case, she was definitely better than River Song by a long shot. (Shudders violently.)

But then, after Matt Smith left and Peter Capaldi replaced him, things changed. Clara became whinier, bossier, more of a control freak, and just generally a much less likable character. Peter Capaldi's great acting makes up for it a little, but not enough to save the newer episodes, especially since the show focused so much on Clara that the new Doctor barely got any development. And don't even get me started an how they brought She That Must Not Be Named River Song back.

So yeah, overall, the newer episodes of Doctor Who just haven't really impressed me, and I honestly don't have very high hopes for Season 10. I hope I'm wrong. I desperately want to like Doctor Who again. But if things keep going the way they are, I won't get my hopes up.

Free Speech on the Internet

Sorry to follow up a serious post with another serious one, but this is just something I need to get off my chest. You see, recently a YouTuber called "Evalion" was kicked off the site. "But why?" I hear all of my loyal minions (that's you by the way) ask. Well, because she was making a bunch of racist videos about how the Jews are supposedly evil, how Hitler supposedly wasn't evil, you know, the usual Neo-Nazi garbage. All of this broke YouTube's anti hate speech rules, so off she went.

Seems like an open and shut case, right?...

Right?...

RIGHT?!...

Nope. Now there's apparently an entire hashtag movement called #FreeSpeechForEvalion calling for her YouTube account to be restored because supposedly her free speech rights are being violated. (As a side note, it's pretty rich to see wannabe Nazis stepping up to defend freedom of speech, considering that their precious Fuhrer had no qualms about destroying it in Germany.) But let's get one thing straight here: YouTube is a privately owned business, not a government institution. If it were a government run website, then yes, it would have to allow everyone's opinion to be heard, no matter how vile, because the government is (at least in theory) run by constitutional principles. But a privately owned website has every right to not allow hate speech on it's site, in the same way that you would have every right to kick someone out of your house if they started spouting out vile racist statements. Or if ISIS were suddenly spamming the comments section on my blog, I would have every right to ban them.

So no, Evalion doesn't get to pull the "Oh, muh free speech!111" card here. She broke a website's rules, and is paying the price for it. It's not like she couldn't just start up her own blog to spout her cancerous verbal diarrhea on.

In conclusion, I'd like to point out that, if anything, YouTube is being far too lax here. Sure, Evalion got kicked off, but there are still plenty of other racist  or otherwise hateful channels and videos on YouTube that have yet to be dealt with. Seriously YouTube, step up your game!

Historical Highlights: Golda Meir

I've been wanting to do a woman for Historical Highlights for a while now, and I've finally found someone who's perfect for it: Golda Meir.

She was born Golda Mabovitch in Kiev, Ukraine (then part of the Russian Empire) on May 3, 1898 to a Jewish family. She would later write that her earliest memories were of her father barricading the door in case of a pogrom.

Her family moved to America in 1906. While there, Golda was exposed to ideas like women's suffrage, trade unionism, and (most importantly for her) Zionism, which was a movement that supported a Jewish return to the Holy Land, then under the rule of the Turkish Ottoman Empire. In 1917 she married Morris Meyerson, and in 1921 they moved to the Holy Land, which was now under the control of the British, who supported Zionism.

In the Holy Land the Meyersons joined a kibbutz, or Jewish collective farm. During the 1930s she served as a representative of the Zionist movement in America, where she lobbied largely unsuccessfully for Jews fleeing Nazi Germany to be allowed into the country. By 1948 she was buying weapons in the US to prepare for the war she believed would soon break out between the Jews and the Arabs in the Holy Land. Just before the war broke out she met with King Abdullah of Jordan, who urged the Jews not to hurry in establishing an independent state. She replied by saying "We've been waiting for 2,000 years. Is that hurrying?"

On May 14, 1948 she was one of the people who signed the Israeli Declaration of Independence, which led to Egypt, Jordan, Syria, Iraq, and Lebanon invading the new country. Despite being thoroughly outnumbered the Israelis managed to defend themselves and even capture some territory from the enemy, largely thanks to the weapons Golda had obtained in America.

After briefly serving as the Israeli ambassador to the Soviet Union from late 1948- 1949, the Israeli Government appointed her as it's labor minister, a position she served in until 1956, during which time she began a number of housing and road building projects. After this she served as foreign minister, during which time she changed her last name to the more Hebrew sounding "Meir". In 1969 she was elected Prime Minister of Israel. After the 1972 Olympic Games attacks in Munich, Germany, in which Arab terrorists killed several Israeli athletes, she ordered the Mossad to hunt down the killers, which they succeeded in doing.

In October of 1973, Meir received reports that Syria and Egypt were preparing for another invasion of Israel. Some Israeli generals suggested they she mobilize the entire military and launch a preemptive attack against the Arab states, but she decided that doing so would lead to Israel being perceived as the aggressor abroad, making it harder to get foreign aid, so she decided on a compromise solution: Israel would not attack the Arabs first, but would put the military on high alert just in case. When the Yom Kippur War broke out a few days later, Israel was prepared largely thanks to her. After the war she resigned in 1974, and died on December 8, 1978.

I really admire Mrs. Meir, and I definitely think she earned the nickname "Israel's Iron Lady".

Meme Hipsters

I'm here to talk about a disease that is slowly (or not so slowly) killing the internet: Hipsters. And not just any kind of hipsters... Meme hipsters.

You see, it has come to my ever so wise attention that one meme that was known as Pepe the Frog that was doing the rounds on the infamous website 4chan (home of the lowest scum of the internet, and that's certainly saying something at this point.) For whatever reason (presumably because of his hilariously smug face) the meme caught on with the mainstream internet.

Cue the meme hipsters.

These... Delightful people on 4chan decided that if they couldn't have Pepe to themelves, no one could. So they started releasing a bunch of offensive themed Pepe memes, showing him as everything from a Nazi to Donald Trump, all in an effort to make the Pepe meme so disgusting to the general public that they'd never want to use it again.

But it didn't work for me.

You see, I'll take any chance to tick hipsters off. So here, have a Pepe meme!

CSI: HGTV

So apparently, the Property Brothers nearly faced criminal charges recently, after getting into a bar fight like the first class twits they are. They really should have known better. If there's one thing I've learned from movies, it's that if you walk into a bar, there can only be two results: a bar fight or a punch line, possibly involving a rabbi.

If you don't know who the Property Tools Brothers are, there a couple of gay dudes on HGTV who improve people's homes or something. But here's the catch: their incredibly irritating. I just think it's a shame that they got away with all of this.

Oh well. Hopefully, the Love it or List it folks will be next.

...WHAT?!!!

So apparently Captain America has been a Nazi the whole time!...

...Yes, seriously.

Recently, the guy who wrote the Captain America comics decided to reveal that Captain America has been working for HYDRA the whole time. He even tweeted "Heil Hitler" on Twitter. Seriously, that's like revealing that your character is in the KKK and then tweeting "Don't you just hate black People?" Don't get me wrong, he was probably kidding, but still.

This is by far the worst plot twist I've ever heard. For one thing, it implies that the symbol of America is a Nazi, which is kind of troubling. For another, it means that the kind and heroic personality Cap has had for decades now has all been an act. and finally, we all know that this is going to be retconned later, so what's even the point?

Even Chris Evans hates this plot twist, and I definitely agree with him on this.

Monster In Paris Movie Review

Where do I even begin with this... This... THING?! It's plot is confusing, it's characters are one dimensional, the animation is stiff and awkward, and perhaps worst of all, the voice acting is hilariously atrocious, which may actually be this movie's saving grace.

So what is this train wreck about? Well, normally in these move reviews I try to avoid spoilers, but let's be real here. None of you are actually gonna watch this, so what the heck. Basically, Raoul the Invincible messes around with some potions and accidentally creates a giant flea monster who can sing for some reason. Oh, and other people are involved too I guess, but who cares about them? THIS IS RAOUL'S STORY, DAD GUM IT!!!

Really, the only things that make this movie worth watching are Raoul the Amazing, and the hilariously bad voice acting. I recommend avoiding this, unless you have some time and brain cells to kill.

Historical Highlights: Lajos Kossuth

Today we've got a pretty interesting character on our hands today, and I'm not just talking about his name.

Lajos Kossuth was born on September 19, 1802 in Monok, Hungary to a devout Lutheran noble family. He was popular within the community, and in 1825 he was appointed to the Hungarian National Diet. At the time Hungary was little more than a province of the Austrian Hapsburg Empire, but Kossuth was a Hungarian nationalist who believed that Hungary should become an independent nation. He soon became a journalist, writing numerous editorials condemning Austrian tyranny, which resulted in him becoming famous throughout Hungary. The Austrians, worried that he might cause a revolt, arrested him in 1837, causing an uproar throughout the country, ultimately forcing the Austrians to release him in 1840. Over the next few years Kossuth developed an ideology based around democracy and patriotism, ideas which were spreading throughout Europe at the time.

Then finally, the moment came. In 1848 revolution broke out in France and quickly spread to the German states, the Italian states, Austria, Denmark and Hungary. Kossuth, with his passionate and charismatic speeches, quickly became the leader of the democratic movement, not just in Hungary but throughout Europe, and he was quickly made President of Hungary, at which point he set about improving the country's infrastructure and liberating the Hungarian Jews. When Croatian forces invaded Hungary to restore Hapsburg rule, Kossuth raised a volunteer army called the Honved, that defeated the Hapsburg troops at the Battle of Pakozd. For a while it looked like Kossuth might indeed win independence for Hungary.

But it was not to be. The revolutionary forces in Germany, Italy, and Austria failed in 1849, and the Austrian forces regrouped and began handing defeat after defeat to the Hungarian forces. When the Russians invaded Hungary to help the Austrians, the Hungarian Revolution's fate was sealed.

After the war Kossuth went into exile in Britain and later America, where his speeches won him many admirers and he remained a hero amongst Hungarian nationalists. He died in 1894, several years before Hungary finally became independent in 1918, but the modern Hungarian nation is still largely based on his ideas of nationalist democracy.

Bronies, or Why Civilization As We Know It Is Doomed

Memorial Day is obviously a day to remember and respect those who have fought to defend our country, and I really respect that. Unfortunately, I can't help thinking that if those brave soldiers had known that one day bronies would exist, they might not have bothered.

What are bronies you may ask?...

...Terrible.

Seriously though, bronies are a subculture of fat, middle aged men who like My Little Pony. You know, that kids show that my little sister grew out of before she was even born. Seriously, even a 5 year old girl would be like "Dude, this is sad." 

So why do these people exist? Presumably it's some sort of Illuminati conspiracy to make us all 20 % dumber, but you didn't hear that from me. 

An Open Letter to Bernie Sanders

Ok, this post is gonna be a little more serious than the usual fare here at The Database, to the point that I was actually kind of reluctant to write it, but this is something that's been nagging at me for a while now, so I decided to just get it off my chest.

You see, Bernie Sanders said that white people don't know what it's like to be poor...

...What?

Aside from the fact that, you know, there are still plenty of homeless white people in America, and aside from the fact that probably the majority of people, of all races, are poor in Appalachia, Mr. Sanders himself should know better. His parents were Jewish immigrants from Poland, and I have a feeling they weren't exactly living the high life.

Now, don't get me wrong. Out of the three main presidential candidates who are still running, Bernie Sanders is the only one who I think seems like he'd be a nice guy in real life, because even though I disagree with almost all of his political opinions, he at least seems sincere about them, unlike Trump or Clinton. But this was just too much.

So in conclusion Mr.Sanders, I know you've pretty much built your entire career on race-baiting, and you were probably stoned when you said this anyway, but I'd really appreciate it if you'd quit with the racist rhetoric. If you expect Donald Trump to do so, you really ought to practice what you preach.

Nicolas Cage for President

Are you tired of watching America spin down the toilet, like the proverbial Barney's severed head in that song my cousin taught me when I was, like, 8? Are you tired of this mean spirited campaign? Are you having a hard time deciding whether to vote for Donald the oaf or Hillary the witch? Then good news everyone,because I've got a third alternative for you!

Meet Nicolas Cage.

But what's his platform you may ask? Well...

He's tough on national security. ("Never not be afraid.")

He's an expert on the declaration of independence.

He'll take a hard line stance against the bees.

He's opposed to detaining blighters for enjoying their whiskey.

He'll drag ISIS members out into the street, and beat them 'till they... PEE!... BLOOD!

He supports improving relations with France. ("Well, VIVE LA STINKING FRANCE, MAN!")

And perhaps most importantly of all... HE'S A VAMPIRE!!!

Now I know what your thinking. "But Noah, you handsome rake you, is Nicolas Cage even electable? I mean, third party candidates never win, right?" And you have a point.

But you know what? If Donald Stinking Trump is electable, why not Nicolas Cage? That's all I'm gonna say.

Adam Sandler's Amazing Death-o-rama!!!

A few days ago, I saw a trailer for some new film starring every one's favorite walking box office flop, Adam Sandler! Now, I don't think I need to tell you that almost every film Adam Sandler has been in has been... How can I say this nicely?... Ah, yes, complete and utter rubbish. But that's not really what I'm hear to talk about today. Today, I want to talk about one particular moment I saw in the trailer that really got me thinking.

At one point Adam Sandler is talking to his friend, whom I'll call Discount Jim Carrey because I don't care enough to google his actual name. Anywho, this is what Adam Sandler said:

Adam Sandler: I faked our deaths.

And that got me thinking, how would I react if Adam Sandler told me that? Confusion? Fear? Musing that Adam Sandler's career already died like ten years ago? Pondering how Adam Sandler got into my house despite the multiple restraining orders I've filed against him? I don't know, but Discount Jim Carrey just goes right back to hanging out with Adam Sandler like the first class tool he is. 

So, in honor of Adam Sandler's fake death, I decided to write him a fake obituary, and here it is in all it's glory:

Adam Sandler, the legendary scam artist actor died today in a freak accident during a game of Buzkashi, an exotic Afghan sport involving horse riders dragging goat carcasses toward the goal, presumably so the winner can marry said goat carcass. Mr. Sandler, whose film credits include the legendary Jack and Jill and Click, was understandably mistaken for the goat carcass. He leaves behind a number of adoring fans, cheering that there will never be any more Adam Sandler films. 

So, what do you think? Oh well. Whatever the case, I'm sure this film will be a load of cat vomit a masterpiece, and I will definitely not watch it. 

In conclusion, feel free to write your own fake obituary for Adam Sandler in the comments below. Bye for now! 

Update: I just found out that Discount Jim Carrey was actually David Spade, the star of my favorite movie, The Emperor's New Groove. Why David, why?!

Historical Highlights: Albert I of Belgium

Ok, today I'd like to introduce a new segment on this blog that I like to call "Historical Highlights." basically this is where I'll take a person or an event from history that I feel is often overlooked and put them in the spotlight. And to start off I'd like to introduce quite possibly the coolest king ever, Albert I of Belgium!

So, what made this guy so awesome? Well, besides the fact that he liked to disguise himself as an ordinary person so he could talk to his subjects and find out what their problems were so he could fix them, and besides the fact that he took the Belgian Colony of the Congo, which had been run as a slave state under his uncle Leopold II, and turned it into an infinitely more humane place, the main reason I think he's the most underrated leader of the 20th century is that this dude actually took personal command of his army during the darkest days of World War I, when over 90 percent of his country had been invaded by the Germans. And not only that, but he liked to stay in the trenches with his men, and endured the same hardships of shelling, shooting, and mud slogging that they did. He was like a 20th century version of the medieval kings who would fight right alongside their men!

Also, he had a really awesome mustache.

Seriously, this guy deserves to have a movie about him, stat. He could be played by Christopher Walken and everything! And if not a movie, I think he at least deserves a spot in the next Civilization game.

Jungle Book Movie Review

I think for as long as I can remember, I've had this strange fascination with India. I perceived it as a land of jungles and exotic animals, strange Bollywood musicals and people who wore turbans and spoke an otherworldly language. This goes back even before my parents went on a missionary trip to India a few years ago, and now that I think about it, I think it goes back to when I was a child watching Disney's The Jungle Book. I remember seeing that film when I was very young and being captivated by this story about an exotic and far away land that I knew so little about. In my opinion, Disney's new live action remake of the Jungle Book did an even better job than the original at portraying the mystical exoticism of India.

From the very start of the film we see a shot of India's various different animals drinking at a water hole, while haunting Indian music plays. This does a great job of setting the tone for the entire film. At one point we also see a small village where the people seem to be performing some kind of bonfire ritual, which was also very interesting to see. Probably the most interesting part was hearing about the animals mythology regarding how elephants created the jungle, which sounded very much like something the ancient Indians might well have believed.

An exciting story and memorable performances from Ben Kingsley, Bill Murray, the king-emperor Christopher Walken, and Idris Elba round out the film to make it probably one of the best movies I've seen so far this year, and I definitely recommend it.

The Walken Connection

I like to think this blog is going to be a place to discuss all the big questions about life and the universe, such as: what is the meaning of life? Why are people seriously considering voting for Donald Trump? where did we come from? Where did we go? Where did you come from, Cotton Eyed Joe? And most important of all, why do I have the theme song from Disney's Zorro stuck in my head?

But today, we're not going to talk about any of that boring philosophical stuff. Instead we're going to be talking about the one and only king-emperor of the known universe, Christopher Walken. You see, a few weeks ago while watching the new Jungle Book movie (which was quite good by the way, and I'll probably talk about it in a bit more depth sometime) I came to bit of a realization. I'm kind of obsessed with Christopher Walken. It's actually kind of weird really. But why? Is it the fact that he acts like he's high all the time  is an amazing actor? Is it the fact that his over 40 years of acting has made him a Hollywood legend? Is it the fact that he starred in Disney's greatest masterpiece The Country Bears? ...

No.

For me, it's one simple thing that many of you may not even be aware of. It's the fact that he is one of only two people on the entire planet who know that Robert Wagner is, in fact, guilty. What am I talking about? Well, you see, one sunny day at some indeterminate point in the 1970s that I'm too lazy to look up, Robert Wagner, his wife, and the Great Emperor Christopher I were on a boat ride. Also, they were all incredibly drunk. Because of this, Mrs. Wagner "accidentally" fell off the boat and died. 

But was it really an accident? WAS IT MR. WAGNER?!!!...

Probably, yes. But the only other man who knows for sure is Christopher Walken. And so, Mr. Walken, on behalf of all humanity, I beseach thee. Tell us what happened on that fateful day in nineteen seventy something! I simply must know so I can rub it in my mom's face! 

Oh well. We may never know for sure. But there is one thing I do know, and that is that I have a fever and the only prescription IS MORE COWBELL!!!

Greetings!

Bonjeur ladies and gentlemen! My name is Noah and you have found my blog, presumably as a result of a typo in your Google search or something. All the same, feel free to stick around for a while and check it out. On this blog I'll be discussing pop culture, history, news, anything that interests me or is on my mind really. Just a heads up before you move on though: for one thing, I'm a Christian, and as such I'll be discussing things from a Christian perspective when it's relevant, so if that puts you off, you probably won't care much for this blog. Also, I am incredibly silly, and that's certainly going to show through too. Just thought I'd warn you. Now read on... IF YOU DARE!!! BWAHAHAHAHA!!! (coughs)

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Are you out there, internets?